Establishing Connections

This was one of the most effective sessions thus far. I was able to make connections between undesired thoughts and behaviors and past trauma. Understanding that connection has helped me to correct those behaviors in the days since the session.

“I feel weird and bad when people are nice to me.”

I am thinking “wow, this would have been nice to get __ years ago”.

I am sensitive -> I have been wounded -> I wear armor.

The armor is getting heavy and it’s hard to move.

^^ The above is normal.

The armor is a tool. Put the tool down – for now.

It is OK to be sensitive (well…it should be OK to be sensitive). I do not feel that it has always been OK for me to be sensitive. That led to a quick side trip conversation about subjective distresss.

• [ ] Let’s write an addendum to that goodbye letter one day.
  • WHOA. Amazing idea. It helps me come to a little bit of peace with having it around and in a notebook that I love.

(Not) My Problem

It is not my problem if other people feel bad.

That one will take a long time to sink in.

It sounds mean.

We had the confrontation. Each time he apologized, I was compelled to say “no worries”. Ack. Fuck. I’d like to try this again.

Evil and violence don’t come naturally to me. I don’t know what it would take for me to get to that place.
It’s not much (probably less than I think) but I would set myself on fire before I resorted to that. THIS IS NOT GOOD and should stop please, my love.

I feel like the Hoover Dam. I have to get it all out in an orderly fashion before the dam breaks.

Wrap-Up

TRUST YOURSELF.

You earned a hug.

Be 5% as nice to yourself as he is to you.

Me: Do you think you are nicer to me than I am to myself?

Him: Yes. I think that everyone is nicer to you than you are to you.

Us: except abusers.

Me: Sad. True.

I should be proud of all of what I got through in that session. We talked about unwanted touching and how I have generalized that to all touching.

OK. Cool. We know that…..now what?

He complimented me for having patience with myself through this process.

I am the only client he has who makes an agenda for therapy. Like……why? Why wouldn’t you do that? What even is the point? Ooh, yes, I am judging those people.

That was simultaneously one of the most difficult yet one of the most rewarding therapy sessions. Correlation? Causation?

Self-Care

Self-care: petting and playing with my cat. It was so lovely and more purely relaxing than most other things I do for self-care.

I did a meditation for healing.

I am loved and supported as I move throughout the day.

I have really seen the truth in that today!