Diving (Back) In
We went a few weeks without a session. I had a lot of stuff happen. I felt that I was able to recover from some of it before the session.
He reminded me that I deserve to be here, too. I can’t believe how often that is extremely helpful to hear. I am doing my best to believe it or not indulge any impulse to discount the sentiment.
Fucking Myself Over
I will fuck myself over to avoid confrontation or any uncomfortable conversation. I really avoid having to tell someone “no”. I gave an analogy about how I’d let them decide whether my interests were more important than theirs. This tendency has absolutely led me to be taken advantage of. I don’t like that and wind up being super grateful to people…because they didn’t take advantage of me.
Stoicism
We share a big criticism of stoicism and/or how people interpret stoicism: repression of emotion. I observed that it’s not just as simple as “don’t worry about it”. I find some of what Marcus Aurelius writes helpful but not all of it and that’s OK.
Termination
I let him know that I was considering terminating in the next month specifically to avoid the pain of terminating later on once we had grown even closer. Apparently, this is not a clinically recommended course of action.
Writing Letters You Won’t Send
I wrote a goodbye letter I had no intention of sending. After confirming I really am OK, I let him know a bit about the contents, though I did not have the letter handy. We made a good connection: I talked about a relief of pressure. Much of the pressure that I find unbearable is self-applied.
Performative Happiness
We talked about how I like to make other people happy. We discussed whether control (him) or influence (me) is a better word. I admitted that I have let this kind of thinking apply to therapy in the past. I want to know that he has at least one good hour in his day so I want to avoid difficult topics and make him laugh. Then I realize: OK, but then what is the point of therapy if you are just trying to make him happy?
Motivation: if I am not constantly happy…bad things will happen?
Moving forward: if I’m not feeling it, I’m not feeling it.
Homework
- [ ] No forced positivity.
Key Takeaways
- You are allowed to be here. I am allowed to be here.
Post-Session Realizations
There are some things that I am absolutely terrified to chat with him about. Why? (Knowing that others have told him worse…does not help me.)
I love nice notebooks. If I work up the courage to write in one, I start upside down and at the back because my ideas aren’t good enough. If I write something dumb on the front page, right-side up, I abandon the notebook. The worst part of all of this: I absolutely LOVE when I let myself write in a notebook and fill it with my thoughts and ideas.