The Past

I’ve sought therapy thrice. He knows about the most recent time because it led me to him. We talked about the first time I sought therapy for the first time today. Wow.

I am nowhere near ready to tell him about the second time.

• I know it will be OK.
• I am kinda sure he won’t judge me.
  • OK, I don’t actually believe that but I want to.
  • Maybe I just judge myself.

I want to heal. Healing hurts. I tend to want to avoid hurt.

There is no way to it but through it.

I don’t think that the statement above is an absolute truth but I do think it’s veracity in this situation can not be denied.

We talked about belonging. I don’t think I’ve felt a true sense of belonging since he passed and….even then, who knows?

Body Image

We chatted about how getting my photo taken on short notice threw me for a loop.

This session left me devastated so my notes are not amazing, especially from this point onward and were not writen impromptu as I prefer.

Other notes

I am human. I have feelings.

To be human is to be inherently flawed, I would like to be free from flaws. The narrative is that if I am free from flaws, I can never be hurt again.

(The notes in the “Other notes” section might be from a different session. I’m sorry. As I noted, this was a very difficult session.)

Homework

• [x] Watch Belonging and How to Belong - Teal Swan

I tentatively mark this as complete because I started it but ouch it hurt. No personal attacks please, Teal.

Journal

That evening, I wrote the following verbatim in my journal (light editing for anonymization):

Ouch. Therapy hurt so good today.

It was great but wow. I worked out on the Peloton and later at the gym.

I should write in my journal more often. I never regret it. 🤣