The perfectionism well runs dry
Mastery and ease are good things.
He had me write this down. Please do not think that I believe it yet.
I have tapped out in terms of how far perfectionism can take me – he asserts.
I remain unclear. I can accept that we are at diminishing returns but he thinks no returns.
I am afraid that if I don’t keep on kicking my own ass then ____.
Then…what? What is that blank?
I don’t really buy it but I am open to it. That might be enough for me to try it out. What if I just gave it a shot instead?
OMG: isn’t this just right back to “chill and accomplished”? (The exasperation is because he has been trying to tell me this for a while and I was not ready.)
A thing I fundamentally have to get over in order to achieve the above is my relationship with adequacy, mediocrity and that which satisfices. (While editing, I had to exercise restraint to avoid writing “that which merely satisfices”.) An unpleasant observation is that my comparisons are often downward; I am clear on what I do not want. I think that getting a B on a test is a bad thing but it is by definition an indication that the performance was above average. I realize that school no longer provides a relevant framework but I put myself in a situation where only an A, indicating that my performance was exceptional or outstanding was acceptable.
- Did that serve me?
Letting go of all of that and accepting being adequate is terrifying but it seems logical in a way. As I am increasingly done resisting and ready to try it out, I need some bite-size steps to do this a bit slowly at first. I can do it – I just need to do it in my own time.
I am afraid that if I am mediocre, I will be…nobody special, just another woman…I think that the nobody special bit is sticking with me. Can we unpack that some?
Come on, let it go
Just let it be
Why don’t you be you
And I’ll be me?
And I’ll be me
- Let it Go, James Bay
This song came on and it is really calling to me and soothing my soul right now.
Wow, then On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons came on:
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ey
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ey
In fairness, I am listening to a self-love playlist on Spotify.
Examine the inverse
I reject the notion that easy and mastery are good things. Let’s examine the inverse for a moment. If I never accept mastery, I can never be happy. My win conditions are too narrow, far too narrow. Ambition is good but I have taken it too far.
- [ ] What is something concrete that would make me happy?
- [ ] Body: Complete pole dancing level 1
- [ ] GO: Do one 90 minute ride.
- [ ] GROW: Get one of your 2021 sunflowers printed, framed and hung.
- [ ] CLEAN: One weekend, take everything out of your closet and only put back things that you LOVE. Donate everything else.
- [ ] CREATE: Take your own headshot.
Answer that question. Achieve it. Enjoy it. Hold yourself to exactly that – nothing more. Hold yourself to exactly what you set out to. Please take good care of yourself as you set these goals.
Nobody special
I fear being nobody special. Is being “nobody special” the worst thing? Alternately, is it true that I am nobody special?
It is my body.
Whether I like it or not, it is my body.
- What if I just accepted it anyway?
Lydia: can you expand your mind enough to hold the dualities of “I accept that this is in point of fact my body” and “I am actively working to improve my body”? I am pretty sure that you are capable of that, love.
Hmm. The act of accepting my body does not require my body to be anything special. In fact, the barrier to entry for accepting my body is sufficiently low that I could do it today. I could do it right now. Let’s see. What would that look like?
Body Affirmations
A combination of things I believe and things I found on the Internet that resonated.
- This is my body.
- My body keeps me going and I am grateful for that.
- My body is strong.
- My body has survived everything it has been through thus far.
- I appreciate all my body can do.
- Self-love is first love.
- I would like to enjoy my body.
- My body does every thing I need it to do.
Neutral – not positive
The affirmations that I set out to find today are just neutral ones. I am not ready for positive body affirmations. They are sufficiently extreme and difficult to imagine that progress is prevented.
I really enjoyed
- Affirmations for Body Neutrality from Rachel Tenny – $20
Unhelpful
For a period of time, I may record the unhelpful perfectionistic affirmations that I recite to myself…..as a matter of course for some reason.
- I don’t fuck around.
- I don’t half-ass things.
- I bust my ass.
- I really care that people think that I am really good at whatever the task at hand might be.
A Tough Sell
Here are a few that I do not currently believe but would like to:
- I am allowed to take up space.
- - My body does every thing I need it to do.
- I deserve to rest from exercise.
- I had a very strong reaction to this because I have thought about this before. I accept this. I do but I have to be deliberate. I have an automatic thought that what I do to work out each night is directly – I mean, directly – related to how much I weigh on the scale in the morning. This is despite banging on to anyone who will listen that weight is just one number and it is only one component of health and how I don’t care if my weight goes up my like four or five pounds in a given day. And that is kind of true depending on the day but I ABSOLUTELY LOVE when it goes down by any amount I kind of like am just really loving it, let’s say. I work out too much for how few calories I eat. But I get so proud of myself. Yesterday: 605. Today: 965.
Perfectionism is a tool.
Think of perfectionism as a tool. It is one of many tools. This is a tool that belongs in the toolbox for now.
- OK so ……what tool do I use?
And….I am starting to come around to see some areas where I have tapped out, stalled or plateaued.
However, I CAN NOT FATHOM how he can be so fucking sure that I have tapped out. Like….it’s my life – wouldn’t I know?
The well of perfectionism runs dry…
…what fuels me next?